Restricted Doomsday Syndrome Chapter 1029: Logical self-consistent
I can’t figure out the world, just like I can’t figure out the doomsday fantasy and the hospital reality. The world I can see is too narrow. I feel that I have to admit this so that I won’t be between the three. The incomparable relationship collapsed. Some people say that only by seeing the truth can you do the right thing. Although the concept of truth will be enlarged endlessly after cognition, the process of pursuing truth and truth is the highest pursuit of a person with wisdom. I personally disagree with this point, because if only seeing the truth can do the right things, and human beings cannot observe the absolute truth, then, the human beings who claim to be intelligent life, don’t they start to make mistakes when they are born Things until the end of life? At the same time, I must admit that if the perspective of observing myself and the world is constantly elevated and enlarged, I will indeed find that everything I do does not seem to be as meaningful as I thought.
I think that the imbalance between the height of thinking and the height of life may be the beginning of self-collapse. Therefore, I never lift my thinking to the point of transcendence and make the next only conclusion, although there is an existence that surpasses the height of my thinking beside me, and I also believe that there is such a thing.
Thinking itself has not brought me happiness. Every time I think deeply, it makes me feel stupid, always doing something stupid that I knowingly commits, and observing my thinking at the time, I will feel like that The way of thinking is also full of contradictory ignorance. But I still need to think, maybe not to prove anything, but only through thinking that I understand that I am not as smart as I thought, and I understand that in order to avoid being destroyed in ignorance, I need to fight.
Yes, fight. It’s not with external destruction, but the inertia created by understanding one’s own stupidity—this is actually quite interesting. If one’s thinking and behavior are magnified to a certain height, they are all stupid and ridiculous, then one will be drawn. Conclusion: Just don't think and act. However. Thinking and acting may not change anything, will not make anything better, and may make everything worse, but if you don’t think and act. Nothing can be changed.
Move up, let your soul and body move, that's the beginning of everything. Only when the "activity" itself is produced, the subject that constitutes the "activity" has meaning. This is the thought I have experienced so far. It was not told by anyone else, but the truth summed up from my own experience-is it correct? I can't say. It is correct in any state and at any height, but at least, from the state I am in at this moment, the height of my footing, my observation, and the cognition of other things. It is right.
Maybe, my observation of the three worlds of the real world, the doomsday fantasy and the hospital reality is one-sided, and my understanding of them is ignorant, so I can’t see the true correctness, and it’s difficult to get rid of the contradictions and pains that arise. , But, just because of this. Just staying still in my one-sided understanding, that is definitely not correct to me.
There is no weirdness and mystery here, as long as I don't explore anything. Living in the way of an ordinary student, probably everything will be peaceful, my instinct tells me so. However, I still acted to pursue the people in the doomsday illusion, and then came into contact with the people in the hospital reality. This fate-like chain, the three worlds are full of malicious associations, all seem to mock my actions. The more I get in touch, the more likely the results I observe will deviate from the results I want, and this is the end of the fool.
Even so, I still armed myself, from the body to the heart, using the experience and instincts gained in the doomsday fantasy and the hospital reality, I rebuilt my ordinary myself into a combat weapon. In this normal and ordinary world, there is no weirdness and mystery as my enemy. Therefore, I am not arming myself for an enemy of a certain concept, but only to keep myself in a state of combat, or to say, one A state of high-speed movement to overcome the inertia that I have already produced since I came into this world.
Will I encounter enemies? Will you encounter bad luck? Will you find a terrible crisis lurking in the shadow of this world? Is it possible to see through the abnormalities hidden behind the normal? I hope not, but there is no guarantee that it will definitely not. The only thing I can do is to assume that that situation may occur, and maintain myself in a state where I can go into battle at any time until I completely die.
Assuming that there may be a crisis at any time, this is naturally not the way of thinking of ordinary people, but it is not the way of thinking of mental patients. As far as I know, many people in this world hold this belief In life, they may seem ordinary, but they maintain the highest vigilance in their hearts. Every day in their lives, they are like preparing to fight. I just became one of them, declaring war on the crisis that I don't know if it will come. In this peaceful city, in the eyes of most people, people with this mentality tend to do things that look weird in their eyes, but in fact, it’s not a big deal, because humans can only pay attention. Although the weirdness of people around you and unrelated people will be noticed for a while, they will eventually be forgotten-the process here is faster than most people imagine. For example, many years later, when you remember that you did something in the past that made you feel ashamed, but you are the only one who remembers this thing, and the bystanders at that time have long forgotten it. You think they will remember, but it's just an illusion, you are just an insignificant person to them.
Actually, even if I become a weird person in a crimson trench coat in the late summer and early autumn, I don’t take the main road and cross the wall and I am seen by someone. Those who see this me will probably only be for a while. It feels weird, but it will soon be forgotten, and will not even call the police. Because I am just an unrelated person to them.
A person’s sense of existence is actually not as strong as he thinks. He feels that his actions will have a profound impact on others. From a very high philosophical point of view, it is correct, but At the height of individual humans, it is just an illusion.
I am very small, but I have a huge existence beyond imagination, operating seemingly accidental but under the line of inevitable destiny. It confuses my delusion with reality, smooths the boundary between reality and illusion, and proves that it exists by my side all the time at a height that I cannot observe and understand. I admit that there is such a existence in my heart, and transform it into a specific image and name, which is what I know as "virus" and "jiang".
Is it a delusion, or is it true that I cannot understand. When I admit its existence, it doesn't matter. It cannot be confirmed, cannot be effectively observed, and is not shifted by my will. Therefore, it itself represents uncertainty. It is impossible to identify its good or bad through its behavior, because its behavior itself represents an unattainable height, which makes it appear chaotic and even evil in low-level cognition. It is like the editor of a play. But the character in it can't know what direction he will face. It may be good or bad. As one of the characters, I think it will always be at some point. Give me a little "surprise", just like, through bad means, to satisfy my thirst, the past, the present, and the future will be so.
So. I can only be ready at any time to welcome this kind of "surprise", in a way that I may have known it for a long time, or I may not care about it. With its power, let myself come to a perfect ending-I can't even be sure whether my thoughts and behaviors are also secretly guided by it, and even the result itself is already doomed.
But, even if everything is predestined, I’m destined to think this way, do this, get this result, die or live like this, what about it? What I am looking forward to is just a happy ending, so if a happy ending is the inevitable result, I will definitely accept it. If it's not, I can't think about it. The only thing I can do is to keep trying. It may also be the struggle it expects and fiddling with.
So, I must remain silent, and I can only remain silent, and then, firmly move on to the destiny that I don’t know if it has already been planned.
From this perspective, I think that meeting with Dr. Ruan Li is a turning point of my destiny in this world. Because this is more dramatic.
My appointment with Dr. Ruan Li has already been made. Thinking back to her tone of voice at the time, I think she knew of my existence and was sure that I would look for her, although all this is in my mind There is no related memory. For me, Dr. Ruan Li in this world is a familiar stranger I met for the first time, but for her, the relationship between us may be one step closer. However, even so, when I stood in front of her, she was still shocked. I didn’t enter the clinic directly. Instead, I climbed up the wall and opened the window on the second floor to enter it. She didn’t know that I was already here, so when I leaned against the corner, in Dr. Ruan Li’s office, and When she had just walked in the door, her expression turned bad, as if she had been frightened, but she was familiar with the fright, but she lacked resistance.
In the face of such an excellent psychologist as Dr. Ruan Li, I think this kind of shock is necessary. At least, at this time, she can’t completely conceal her instinctive reaction, and let me make a judgment—to her In other words, this is not the first time I have met in this way.
In the next sentence, she will go straight ahead.
Sure enough, Dr. Ruan Li straightened his gold-rimmed glasses, closed the doors and windows of the soul behind the lenses, and said flatly, "You are here again, do you remember this first time? "While walking to his desk, he took out a report from the drawer and threw it on the table with a snap.
Without waiting for my answer, she replied for me: "The tenth time, although you are not the worst patient I have ever seen, but obviously you did not follow my advice. The condition is getting worse. Every time you The time to come here is shorter than the last time.” She paused and stared at me hard, as if looking at an uncooperative patient, directly preventing me from speaking, as if I wanted to say something. She knew it all.
"Do you want an explanation? Well, every time I see you, I have to repeat this explanation, and you can't always believe it. Well, although repeating the same thing all the time makes me tired, but There is no way. You are the patient I am responsible for. During the period before and after your onset, you are always more like a normal person than other patients. Okay, I will repeat it again." Dr. Ruan Li muttered A few sentences, just one sentence at a time. As if to be engraved in my memory, he said forcefully: "You are Gao Chuan, a senior high school student, a mentally ill person, like delusions, very bad memory, or. Forgotten things have profound rules. These. Circumstances will not cause trouble to others. The real trouble is that you will always be confused between the delusional self and the actual self, which will make your behavior weird and even full of aggressive...aggressiveness. It is the most serious point. You were meant to be imprisoned in a mental hospital, but I saved you. You want to ask why? Because I am your foster mother."
In the previous words of Dr. Ruan Li, in my various experiences, there is actually nothing new and proved to be a mentally ill patient from various aspects. It is not surprising. I am aggressive and understandable. The only thing that made me almost untenable was her last words.
Dr. Ruan Li is my adoptive mother? This relationship is really new. However, even if I doubt it, it will be explained by the term "forgetting"-I confuse my delusion with reality, and even forget the interpersonal relationship in reality, and act according to the hypothetical situation in the delusion, so. I am a mentally ill patient to be treated-this is a perfect and logical explanation.
And I can understand the clear thinking ability embodied by this logic, but in psychology, it cannot be used as evidence of "I am not a mental patient", because mental illness is not "incapable of cognitive ability, wrong thinking logic" , That state. It is just one of the possible symptoms in mental cases. Possess clear and keen thinking ability, can understand the world and oneself, and even possess advanced psychological knowledge and application ability, although such mental patients are rare. But there are many records-they are always the most dangerous kind of mental patients.
In my case, it can fit into it.
"It seems that you already understand." Dr. Ruan Li, who stared at me, relaxed and leaned back on the soft chair. "A Chuan, I am your foster mother. I know you are a clever child, but clever. In many cases, it is not a useful thing. You can analyze your own situation from my words, but I can see that you are still based on your delusions to observe, judge and recognize. Know your own situation. This is not a good thing. I have said this sentence many times, but I still want to tell you that if you cannot change your footing, then the smarter you are, the deeper you will be. Trapped in your own delusions. The psychological knowledge you have learned will not help you get rid of this pain, but will make you more and more trapped.” Dr. Ruan Li said here, his expression was a little dim, as if Sad for me, "I know that you will think about what I said, and maybe you will agree with me for a while, but I have never seen you finally complete the change. You may be normal for a few days, but you will always fall into delusion again. , Changed back to the present look. What happened today has appeared many times. If you need evidence, then you can check your computer, because you know you will always forget something, so you chose Write down these things that will be forgotten. However, sometimes, when you wake up from delusions, you will subconsciously forget such things, or subconsciously ignore the past."
"...I have searched all the corners of the room." I don't know what expression I should use to face the current situation. This meeting was really full of dramatic impact.
"That's why you came here to see me. As long as you see me, go back and search again, you can find evidence of reality." Dr. Ruan Li pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes looked like Faced with a child who troubled himself, “This kind of thing has been repeated many times, so repeating it again is just a routine. I think during this period of time, you didn’t even notice it. , Actually you and I live together. Every night, I sleep next to you, right? You ignore my existence, and I have always been by your side, but if you don’t meet in this clinic, you always It is impossible to detect. Your condition is very serious, A Chuan, my baby, I love you, so I will not abandon you, and will not let you be locked in that kind of boring mental hospital. You have to live a normal life. In life, you must restrain your delusions. Fortunately, no matter whether you are delusional or not, you can always do your job well and be an excellent high school student."
From Dr. Ruan Li’s eyes and words, I feel any deception. She is harsh but very kind. It's like a real mother, looking at her son, even though, in her mouth, we are just fostering a mother-child relationship. However, I could not accept such a setting in the first place. In reality in the hospital, Dr. Ruan Li and I have a very good relationship. However, the relationship between the adoptive mother and the adopted child is too abruptly close.
However, I also cannot use violence against Dr. Ruan Li in front of me, because I can't feel her malice. She is not an enemy.
"I think. I need time to digest..." I paused, "I don't know what to call her. Mother? I really can't say it."
However, this step stopped, but Dr. Ruan Li smiled, and this smile was a bit narrow.
"I think you should find it first. It's what you call me." She said, "When you were young, you always called me mom happily."
"..." I opened my mouth, but couldn't say anything. When the atmosphere became subtle, Dr. Ruan Li said to me gently: "I think this routine clinic meeting has given you enough information to kill time. I still have work next. You go to the second floor. Lie down for a while, by the way, remember to change this outfit. There are a lot of dangerous items hidden in it?" Her tone became severe, "You should understand that in this normal world, in this peaceful city, this is not necessary. The things that protect yourself, it will only hurt you and prevent you from entering the world of normal people."
Her harshness can't make me confrontational. Because everything she did made me feel the deep kindness, although it was difficult to accept. I noticed that I was accustomed to the fact that this foster mother existed from the bottom of my heart. It's just that, because of the experience and memory of the doomsday fantasy and the reality of the hospital, I can't put myself in the position of adopted son. Dr. Ruan Li is right. I need time to digest and get a recognition here.
Doctor Ruan Li was disgusted with my outfit. Her words revealed a kind of "I understand why you dress like this". She felt helpless with my changes, but did not give up, and neither can I Refute confidently that I am not a mental patient unless I find a basis for the rebuttal. Merely the memories of the doomsday illusion and the hospital reality obviously cannot be the basis for this. Dr. Ruan Li’s attitude and explanation have no flaws, no malice, just like everything she said, it’s the facts-I was immersed in delusions, and subconsciously ignored the things that existed in reality. Things are transformed into a source of delusion. And all the evidence that proves that this world is true and true exists by my side, but I start from a delusion, and subconsciously ignore the evidence that can break this delusion.
From the perspective of Dr. Nguyen Li, to explain the "prophecy" embodied by the whispers of Bajing, I will probably get this answer: Actually, as a member of the student council, I am not unaware of the whispers. Existence, but subconsciously ignored its existence, but deepened such existence in delusion. And in this world, after learning about the existence of the Whisperer from Hakjingkou, I felt that my experience overlapped with the experience of the doomsday illusion~IndoMTL.com~ However, this is only what I learned from the population of Hakjing. Things already known from other sources.
Because I always "forget" things that have actually happened, people and things that have already been seen, and stuff them into "delusions", so it appears that "delusions" show an abnormality. Of the aura. And this aura is nothing but an illusion.
In the opinion of Dr. Ruan Li, it is difficult for me to accept the fact that it is a kind of mental illness in itself.
I can fully understand this logic, but, as Dr. Ruan Li said, understanding and acceptance are not the same thing. At least, I can feel that facing the explanation and attitude of Dr. Ruan Li, my heart is still full of vigilance, and this vigilance is supported by the armed forces. And this proves Dr. Ruan Li's statement and attitude. She thinks that my attire at this time is a hindrance to my treatment.
I need time to adjust my mood and cognition. Whether I admit or reject Dr. Ruan Li’s explanation, I need to think carefully. I left the office and followed what Dr. Ruan Li said. When I went to the lounge on the second floor to take a break, Dr. Ruan Li reminded me in expectant tone: "Don’t give up treatment, A Chuan." (To be continued. If you Like this work, you are welcome to come to the starting point () to vote for recommendation votes and monthly tickets. Your support is my greatest motivation. For mobile phone users, please read it.)