Beyond the Noisy World: The Long Lost Eight Sects: 163, Cinderella and the Frog Prince

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Ding Qi did not interrupt for a long time, just listened quietly. After Guan Xiaoyin finished speaking, he asked quietly, "No matter how scumbag these people are, can you think about it carefully? I thought these men represented by Xiaosha, where did they attract you?"

Guan Xiaoyin lowered her head and thought for a while and said: "The image is good, and they are all very good at talking. When they are caring, they are really caring. Although they have various shortcomings, they cannot be changed. ……"

Ding Qi interrupted her at the right time and said: "Don't say that later, this kind of attraction will always exist, otherwise it will not separate and combine. You can think about what he attracts you."

Many people have a saying that "beauties love scumbags." Many people have once said with emotion: "It's a good girl, how can you let such a man do harm?" From this, another saying came out-flowers are planted on cow dung. But those who say this often fail to see another point, that is, what are the girls attracted to?

Those women are actually not scumbags, but prodigal sons. Prodigal sons like that have enough experience. They know how to please people, how to praise and affirm each other, and how to show the attraction of the opposite sex. The richer the emotional experience, the better at this aspect, knowing how to arouse the goodwill and curiosity of others.

In this regard, many otaku who are honest and get nervous when they see girls talk are probably incomparable.

Guan Xiaoyin's mentality is very contradictory. She claimed to have been completely disappointed, but then came to ask the psychologist for help, which also proved that she still couldn't stop. It doesn't matter if a woman meets this kind of man and is even attracted to him. The key question is-know what you want?

Ding Qi thought for a while, then changed the subject: "Ms. Guan, listening to your tone, you should be very successful in your career. Seeing that your occupation on the appointment registration information is a private business owner, you can talk a little bit about yourself. Is your career status?"

Guan Xiaoyin, who was still crying sadly just now, immediately got better after hearing this topic, and even became a little excited. He began to talk about his own entrepreneurial history. His language and thoughts were so coherent that even Ding Qi couldn't even talk.

When she was twenty-five years old, she took over her father's business. At that time, her father was too old and sick, and had no energy to support it. It was originally just a small, barely maintained company, but it has grown better and better in her hands. Five years ago, when she was twenty-eight, her father passed away, and the company was completely reborn.

Now Guan Xiaoyin has tens of millions of fortunes. He has three houses and two facades in Jinghu City, and another house in Shanghai. He runs a company with stable income and profits, although he is not a billionaire. , But also basically realized financial freedom. These are the results of her own hard work. She is proud of this and envied many of her peers...

After she finished speaking, she seemed to have calmed down completely, and Ding Qi asked again: "Your career is very successful, so when you associate with men, do you have a defensive mentality and fear that the other person will just watch I want to spend your money just to make money?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "To be honest, I was a little worried. But I am not a small person. As long as I treat me wholeheartedly, I don't mind helping him..." She didn't even realize that when she told her. Contradictory mentality. On the one hand, she is proud of her career success and believes that this is also a testament to her ability and charm, which is not more despised. On the other hand, she does not want others to value it.

Ding Qi took out a piece of paper and a tube of soft pen, handed it over, smiled and said: "Let’s do a small homework first. I will list four questions on it. You can try to answer it. The answer is not clear. It’s okay, you can think about it slowly."

In the psychological counseling room, there is generally no extra thing to distract the help seeker. Dangerous objects like pens that may become a tool for injury are usually not taken out. Therefore, Ding Qi prepares a tube without a pointed tip. With soft pen, he wrote four questions on the paper——

One. Do those men, or just him, need me to save them?

Second, what is the purpose of saving him?

Three. Why not associate with men who don’t need to be saved?

Four. Who is the person who needs to be saved?

Guan Xiaoyin watched for a long time, but did not take a pen to write the answer, raised her head and said: "Doctor Ding, can I take these questions back and think about it?"

Ding Qi did not expect her to answer clearly right away. If the answer is too fast, it may not be accurate. He nodded and said, "Of course it’s okay. You can think about it after you go back. I’m a psychiatrist, and you’re the one who solves it here. My psychological problem, through your description, my deepest feeling is a desire to save and be saved..."

Many people subconsciously have an impulse to prove that they are better than others. There are many women who are attracted to men who look very attractive, and at the same time they can see the shortcomings of such men, and they have a mentality of wanting to save him. This is also an attempt to prove themselves.

If she succeeds, she can prove that she is better and more attractive than others. So what attracts them is not only the charm of the opposite sex, but also the temptation to "remove" a "bad boy". The more invested in this relationship, the stronger the sense of anticipation-maybe even further, he will be changed by me?

In this kind of relationship, sometimes the body becomes a kind of "giving," which of course also includes money. This psychology is not limited to women, but also to men. According to Ding Qi's work summary, nowadays, the number of men who say "women are not good things" has gradually surpassed the number of women who say "men are not good things". This may be a characteristic of contemporary society.

For men, this is a kind of Cinderella complex. There is a troubled Cinderella who needs him to save. To put it too much, it can be described as a "female complex" or a "female agent complex". . For women, this is a frog prince complex. There is a prince who unfortunately turns into a frog and needs her to save it. To put it too much, it can be described as the "big devil complex."

This kind of mentality is more or less common in every normal person. It is not a psychological problem. In many cases, it is a kind of kindness. But if you form a fixed behavior pattern that is always driven by your heart and apply it to emotional relationships, and you haven't realized it, this is a problem.

Liu Guonan, a helper who once came to Ding Qi, also said that "men are not good things", but Liu Guonan's problems are completely different from Guan Xiaoyin's. Liu Guonan was afraid of being hurt, so he refused to communicate and attributed his behavior externally. Therefore, the explanation given was that men are not good things. She wanted to put away her charm.

Guan Xiaoyin said on the surface, why do I always meet such a scumbag? In fact, she is internally attributing her own experience. She already knows the shortcomings of these men, and the question in her heart is-why didn't they correct me? Am I not doing well enough as a good and kind person? She wanted to prove her charm.

This is also a subconscious lack of self-confidence. They need to be affirmed in a certain way, and they also want to be affirmed. Salvation is also a kind of self-salvation, so Ding Qi just wrote the four questions.

The first question, does he need to be saved? It may be necessary, but what is needed more is to be punished, not to be rewarded. In the eyes of bystanders, salvation in the form of rewards is already a form of indulgence and compromise, and it is also the reason why such people can often succeed in the flowers. So the most critical issue is to realize that he is that kind of person.

The second question, what is the purpose of saving him? Benefit society, maintain world peace, and save more women from the same fate? No, no, this is not the case, but to satisfy the psychology of salvation and self-salvation, and to prove the realization of self-worth. But from the psychiatrist to tell the help-seeker, to prove self-worth, there is no need to pass this way.

The third question, why not associate with men who don’t need to be saved? The simplest reason is that they can't attract her, and can't satisfy the desire to save, control and security deep in their hearts. Lack of self-confidence in the subconscious mind, thinking that they cannot get normal respect and affirmation.

The fourth question, as long as you answer the first three questions carefully, you already have an answer.

Someone may have said again, if the rescue is successful, for example, Xiaosha corrects evil according to Guan Xiaoyin's hope, then the relationship between the two is perfect? In fact, it is not necessarily. This often leads to another situation, which may lead to two other problems.

First of all, the relationship developed in this situation is not stable, the position between the two is imbalanced, and the savior will have a moral advantage over the savior.

If you encounter any other contradictions, even normal contradictions, the savior will often say: "You used to have so many shortcomings. I forgave you and helped you to correct them. Why can't you do it well? What about me and listen to me? Facts have proven that you should listen to me! I am so good and kind, I saved you."

There are many such situations, and over time, more contradictions will accumulate, and then enter the next cycle-you say you have changed, but you are deceiving me, in fact, you haven't changed it. I think you lied to me like this at the beginning, such as a certain year, a certain month... entered the mode of turning over old accounts.

The savior doesn’t mind the shortcomings of the savior. In fact, he does, because without these, he cannot prove his self-worth.

Secondly, the desire to save is often accompanied by the desire to control. The savior regards the change of the other party as a proof of his own value, and it is difficult to accept the other party to break away from his own control. The other party's violation of his own wishes is often regarded as betrayal, which is also the source of many contradictions.

This desire for control stems from the need for a sense of security, otherwise the savior will feel uneasy and return to a state of subconscious lack of self-confidence. In a sense, the success of salvation is the end of tolerance.

So in this case, the rescued is often confused. I have already bid farewell to the past and chose a new life according to your requirements. Why has your attitude become so critical, even no longer As forgiving as before?

With the existence of these two situations, it is often difficult to judge whether the rescued person has made satisfactory changes. If there is no change at all, let alone. How to solve this problem psychologically requires a clear understanding of one's own mentality from the beginning, and an understanding of who the other party is.

Today’s help seeker is not Xiaosha, but Guan Xiaoyin, so Ding Qi can only analyze the possible psychological problems of Guan Xiaoyin. He finally said: “This kind of ambivalence between salvation and self-saving may be related to growth experience, or The parents are very strict, or the parents don’t care."

Guan Xiaoyin was stunned for a long time, and didn’t know how much he listened to. At this moment, she nodded and said: "Teacher Ding is too right. My father is very strict with me, and my mother doesn’t care about me at all. It seems that I am one of these two. It’s both."

Ding Qi took back both the paper and pen, turned the paper over to the back, and said as he wrote: "Since you are aware of the problem, you must find a solution. First, you must recognize your mentality and make changes. . It’s nothing wrong to help and correct a person’s evil, and it’s also a commendable quality, but it’s inappropriate to confuse the emotional needs of men and women.

It is not necessary to put yourself in the position of savior and controller. You are not the incarnation of Guanyin Bodhisattva, but an ordinary person, a person who is equal in emotional relationships. If this relationship of reciprocity is broken, it will be distressed. We first set a few small goals, and you can achieve them one by one. Which step you can achieve depends on your own efforts. "

Ding Qi wrote several other questions on the back of the paper--

One, what kind of person is he, are his shortcomings my fault?

Second, what attracted me to interacting with such a person, and what did I get from it?

3. Am I satisfied with this, and to what extent can I accept it?

Four. Don't force the other party to change for me, how should I choose?

Ding Qi’s suggestion is already obvious. If Guan Xiaoyin is attracted by Xiaosha, feels that the other person is handsome and strong and will be pleasing, or if she has a good time in bed, it can meet some of her needs, and she can continue to talk to her. He associates, but he has to figure out what kind of person he is, what he wants and what he can get, and finally make a sober choice.

The psychologist abides by the principle of value neutrality. Ding Qi will not criticize her for being unhealthy. The so-called mental health and mental health are often two different things. But Guan Xiaoyin must adjust his mentality to finally get out of it.

As for how the relationship between Xiaosha and Guan Xiaoyin will develop, this is not something that can be resolved by a psychological meeting, nor can Ding Qi decide, but the first thing that needs to be changed is Guan Xiaoyin himself. The meeting lasted for two hours, and finally Guan Xiaoyin took the piece of paper and left.

Later, Guan Xiaoyin came to Ding Qi twice, and the appointment time for each meeting was two hours. She and Xiaosha didn't seem to have completely broken off their relationship. These two times, she was mainly for talking, so Ding Qi will listen to her. Ding Qi felt a little speechless, is he considered a girlfriend?

And Guan Xiaoyin is generous enough to spend an hour at the price of 1,500 to chat with "girlfriends".

The last time Guan Xiaoyin mentioned the current situation of Xiaosha, she thinks Xiaosha has changed. Xiao Sha is no longer working in the original company. He set up a company to start his own business without Guan Xiaoyin's funding, but some problems remain. He often doesn't know where and what to do, and can't get in touch for several days.

Of course, Ding Qi knew what was going on. Because Fan Yang had disappeared, Xiao Sha went out to do it alone, and he was indeed quite capable. He could see that Guan Xiaoyin was a little addicted to Xiaosha, and it might be difficult to get rid of this addiction. Sometimes it is difficult to change even if you know you have a problem, or it is not the relationship that you want to change, but the mentality.

With the latest discovery in Huangtian Village today, Ding Qi realized that Sha Langzheng was working for Zhang Wangxiong again. He briefly introduced this past event and finally said: "I did not intend to disclose the privacy of the seeker, but if it involves social hazards, the principle of confidentiality exception can be cited. You need to know more about Sha Longzheng. "

Xian Hao curled his lips and said: "Some men are terrible! I don't know what they are thinking about all day long? Ding Qi, don't have that expression, I don't necessarily mean you."

Ding Qi and Zhu Shanxian both stopped talking. Xian Hao looked at Ding Qi again and said: "You know that Sha Langzheng is not a good thing, why not just suggest that she resolutely break up?"

Ding Qi smiled bitterly: "Each role has its own behavior limits. I can't do that in the psychology clinic. You can understand the truth by hearing me. I have a brother named Zhang, I started working a year earlier and encountered similar problems in my first month as a psychologist.

Senior Brother Zhang directly suggested that the help-seeker break up with her boyfriend, and told her to resolutely stop struggling with each other. Guess what the result is? The next day he was blocked halfway by the girl's boyfriend and was beaten to find teeth. It turned out that the girl broke up with the young man, saying that it was the opinion of the psychologist, and also claimed that the psychologist thought that the young man was a scumbag. "

Zhu Shanxian asked: "How did you deal with it later?"

Ding Qi: "The assailant was detained by the police for fifteen days. After she came out, the girl actually reconciled with him. Although she broke up again later, she was indeed reconciled at that time. Brother Zhang received disciplinary action, not only After doing a review, he was suspended from practicing for six months.

There is no way. Senior Brother Zhang did violate the practice principles of psychological counselors and made consultation suggestions that did not meet the professional requirements, which also caused serious adverse consequences.

Psychiatrists are not controllers and cannot control the behavior of the help-seekers, let alone make decisions on behalf of the help-seekers. They can only point out the help-seekers’ own psychological problems and solutions, and let the help-seekers make their own decisions. The psychiatrist is not a master of martial arts, let alone a god. "

Zhu Shanxian sighed and said: "The gods can't control and make decisions on behalf of others. They can point out the problem and be an expert."

Xian Hao interjected: "The key person is not the woman, but Sha Langzheng. What the woman did to Sha Langzheng, Ding Da expert has already analyzed clearly. But what Sha Langzheng did to her What's the matter, what do you two men and old rivers and lakes think?"