Ice Fantasy Chapter 29: Postscript (2)

And that's what I don't want to see. Only when I receive letterheads, see photos, hear old songs, and see similar plots, will I feel sad for a moment. Then he laughed happily again, just so silently.

Occasionally when I am sad, I will post on my forum, and then I know that Wei Wei and others will read it, and my friends will read it.

In my first days at school, I was sad. I was the first one to leave among my classmates. I had already started my course in September, while Wei Wei stayed at home until halfway through October before leaving my original place.

During those days, I always told Wei Wei how unhappy I was, and Wei Wei always posted messages on my forum to comfort me. I remember one time her post read like this:

When I called you yesterday, your side was very noisy, and mine was very quiet, just like when we were in the third year of high school, we called every night until two or three o'clock, then hung up the phone and continued to read.

You said that now we are the only ones who depend on each other for life. In fact, for me, it was a long time ago. In Xiaoqing's words, our relationship is the third relationship beyond love and friendship.

You said, Wei Wei said, the whole world has betrayed you and I will be by your side, if there is hell, we will go rampant together. That's right, that's right, I will accompany you wherever you go. If I am not here, I will be very sad when others bully you. I have said that no matter what my friends are going through, I will be there for them. Don't say that your side is empty, it won't happen.

Xiaoyi will leave tomorrow, and Xiaoqing will leave today. I am now, I just grab a piece of clothing every day and go out to roam the Internet, wherever I go. My mother always told me not to be too slovenly. But how do I explain it to her.

Xiao Si, you have always been such a child, stubbornly saying that I am very happy like a snail. You don't say you are unhappy. It hurts every time I see you like this. Someone told me that he has always been happy. I laugh. I asked them, what is happiness? Is it just to hide your sadness and laugh at everyone? You see, you are like this in their eyes.

You said before, Wei Wei, you have to understand that it will be difficult to find such a good friend again in the future. So when Xiao F said that you will forget us after a long time, I quarreled with her, and I was not happy when she said that you were not good. In fact, I was also very unhappy yesterday, but you said you were unhappy and I didn't say so.

Do you remember, on the title page of the book I sent you, it was written like this, for four (the friend who gave me the most comfort and warmth). I am not sure at all, will I have a friend like you in the future, if I say I have nothing, I will have a friend like you, a friend who indulges me like this, a friend who will never leave me even when I am saddest.

You have Qinghe and Aliang now, but I still want to say that you have to live well in Shanghai alone, because I am no longer by your side, and I can’t accompany you to eat, play badminton, swing, and laugh at what you see laugh. You can't run downstairs as soon as I call you on the balcony. There are many, many things that can't be done... But, Siwei, you have to remember that even in hell, we are all rampant together.

9

I am in Shanghai, looking at the chaotic silhouette of time under the neon lights. Sometimes Qinghe and I took the light rail across the city, went to a certain place, and then turned back, like playing a game similar to fate and reincarnation. I looked at the colorful lights under my feet and felt that everything was like a phantom, only me and Qinghe's faces reflected on the glass were clear to each other.

Qing He said with a smile. Look, how much we are like angels flying over this city.

At that moment, I fell in love with the light rail, because it is not as hopeless as the subway. Black and deep despair.

It gives a warm color, although still an illusion.

10

Some juniors and younger sisters from my previous school wrote to me, telling me that the small playground in the school had been transformed into a cultural square, surrounded by white sculptures. They told me these things jokingly, but I felt vaguely sad when I saw them.

11

Get used to seeing you in the car, and then run to the other side of the road to see you sitting quietly in the car

I am used to buying desserts for you, seeing you smiling like a child

Accustomed to walking on the road to watch the car for you, holding your hand and crossing the road together

I am used to your sudden sad character, so I will accompany you without talking

Accustomed to late-night phone calls and the sound of rain outside the window

Accustomed to the smiling faces and angry faces in text messages

Accustomed to your poor memory, you always forget what you said

Accustomed to your dependence on people even though I am also a child

Accustomed to your character of running around and always finding no one

Accustomed to freedom, you have endless concerns

I'm used to you suddenly appearing in front of me and saying to hang out

Get used to the bright light in your eyes

I am also used to the deep darkness in your eyes

I am used to writing notes to you when you are sad

I am used to sending text messages to remind you to remember to eat

We are used to each other so we never leave

We laugh together, cry together, fight together and drink together

Take a pirate ship and watch the beautiful lights together

Let's eat watermelon at the small shop in front of the school

Playing cards by the school lake together

Stroll together in the bookstore until dark

Look at the stop sign on the side of the road to see where this car leads to in this city

Because we are friends

So we are getting closer and more dependent on each other

12

A person always has to forget some things so that he can remember other things. Just as someone wants to be close to oneself, someone must leave. I always didn't believe in such words before, because I believed that all people can be together happily. But it doesn’t seem to be the case, distance, time, and years are like walls, blocking each other, looking and looking can’t see through, just hear the sound of happiness passing by on the opposite side. So I also smiled happily.

13

Lonely people always remember everyone who appears in their lives, so I always think of you endlessly.

14

Ah Liang is my best friend in college, just like my friends and I at that time, eating together, riding a bike to class and bored together, watching me and watching you getting more and more boring. Ah Liang also loves painting, I always want to introduce her to Wei Wei, I think they hit it off very well. Just like Wei Wei, Ah Liang always accommodated me infinitely, even sometimes I knew I was wrong, but she still didn't say anything.

Just different from Wei Wei, she is a person who hides her emotions, she always says that I want everyone to be happy. So I always accommodate others, when others are sad, I will be sad, and when others are happy, I will be happy, but in the end, I don’t know whether I am happy or sad.

I suddenly remembered Xiaobei's character, she always told others her happy side, but cried quietly by herself.

She once said that people always say that I am happy, so I am really happy, even if I am not happy, I must be happy.

I don't know how much pressure such a character has to bear, it's just that compared to them, I look like a child.

A willful child who refuses to grow up.

15

After writing "Fantasy City", the editor told me to ask for illustrations, so I started to draw illustrations. In the following many weekend nights, Ah Liang and I always stayed up late, doing CG on the laptop that my friend lent me.

During those days of making pictures, A Liang and I were together almost every day, more than 20 hours. Sometimes I always feel sorry when I see Ah Liang's red eyes, but I am embarrassed to say that I still strictly ask her to make the effect I want, and if she does not do it right, she has to do it again. And Ah Liang hardly said anything. I always say that I am the strictest boss and A Liang is the laziest employee. In fact, I understand better than anyone else that A Liang would agree to do illustrations for me absolutely not for the royalties of those illustrations.

In the last few days after the completion of the project, our exhaustion reached a peak. Every night, I always go to bed first, and Ah Liang draws, and then wait until three or four o'clock when Ah Liang goes to bed, and I continue to work. In this way, I watched the sky change from black to blue to white day by day, and I felt like a witness of time.

Maybe many years later, I will recall this busy time with emotion. A Liang said, maybe when this work is over, we will feel that there is nothing to do. I said maybe and went back to normal life. I don't know if the normal life I'm talking about is a lonely day, because Ah Liang has transferred to the animation class, and I know that is her ideal all along. We finally separated.

A Liang asked me if I would be lonely with each other like strangers in the future, I didn't say anything. Because the moment I bowed my head, I remembered that a long time ago, when I was divided into arts and sciences, Xiaobei and I went in two different directions. Xiaobei asked me, if two good people are not together, will they forget each other?

I remember saying I would. Xiaobei continued, don't you even say hello when you meet? I said yes, and then for the first time I found that Xiaobei's eyes were very bright and beautiful. That was when I was 17 years old. And now, I'm on the tail of a 19-year-old.

16

At the end of the writing of "Illusion City", I was very tired and exhausted, and there was a crisis in the interpersonal relationship around me that I couldn't control. My temper became surly, irritable, and I was always inexplicably sad. I would get angry because of a small thing, just like the inexplicably irritable days when I was 17 years old. In those days of panic, those around me said how could I be so bad-tempered.

It was A Liang who told me the story at the time, and I was so sad that I couldn't speak. It never occurred to me that I was such a person. Because I think of my former self, who was so peaceful and tolerant of people. I don't know what yardstick they use to measure everything, I just know I was sad at the time.

At that time, it was in the D building of the school. Ah Liang was still processing the pictures, and I told her to ask.

I sent a text message sadly and asked Weiwei, did I say that I was an intolerable person? Wei Wei replied many text messages to me, and she said: "Actually, every time you are sad, I am by your side. Where are you, I will call you." "Don't be like this, I think I can do nothing for you Do, I always thought my warmth alone was enough." "I told you before that everyone left you, but I won't. In fact, for me, having a friend like you is the biggest Happy." "Every time I see people on the badminton court, I will think of your smile."

I stared at the phone screen, tears streaming down my face.

17

Endless postscript, I saw this title in the back of a book many years ago. And now, I feel that I am fulfilling this title.

I remember that I used to write 5,000 words in the postscript, but now, I clicked the "Word Count" on Word, and found that this postscript has exceeded 8,000 words.

Like my title, this is an afterword, not an afterword. I'm just reminiscing, reminiscing about those who were once alive in my life and will always be alive, those who bring me warmth.

Little A's letter said that having a friend like you is my greatest happiness. Even if I have traveled so far, I still feel warm. I can imagine little A's high spirits on the streets of Japan, standing under the shade of a tree in white clothes like snow, smiling sweetly like a child when he looks up. I can recall the days when he was by my side at any time, open water for me, buy stomach medicine for me, remember the movie posters I like, and detain me for food like a prisoner.

You can see his smile when you look up.

18

I think I should be over, when this winter has come. The temperature has been dropping, and I was looking forward to snow in Shanghai, but my roommate told me that Shanghai has not had snow for several years.

When I wrote the last few chapters of "Fantasy City", the first semester of Shanghai University had already ended, and now, when I write this postscript, my new semester has already begun. The short-semester system in college made me feel that time is so fast and irreversible. Shanghai University has changed from an empty and uninhabited campus to a crowded place.

The sunshine outside the window is very warm, I think I can finish this postscript. I've always written prose, and after writing such a long novel, I really wanted to write about my life. After I stopped writing prose for such a long time, I suddenly started to write prose, and it was still handy. I couldn't help feeling happy and fulfilled. So I inevitably become chattering. Maybe prose is my favorite thing, and novels are just a coincidence. However, in any case, "Illusion City" is a very special work in my writing life, and I deeply know the time and energy I spent on it. Thanks to all those who supported me, and to all those who like "Fantasy City", because of your encouragement, I can continue to write like this. Maybe "Fantasy City" will become a memorial to my youth that is about to disappear, because it is my most gorgeous dream, with my purest and smoothest fantasy. It was mine, and it was the dream of all of us when we were young, the dream of the prince and princess we had when we were very young.

19

To all children with beautiful hopes and sorrows. To all of you before the age of 19. In the torrent of time, we will always grow up.

Guo Jingming in Shanghai

December 2, 2002