Land of Miracles: I will never lose my love, I will break it today

My Muzi is gone.

At 19:07 on September 11, 2018, her last heartbeat and breathing stopped.

At that moment, I was a little sluggish, and I couldn't even feel the pain. Because about half an hour ago, I just broke down and cried bitterly. When I cried bitterly, I just shouted that I couldn't bear her.

The children came at 18 o'clock. Before I finally went to see my mother, I said to them, this may be the last time you see your mother. If you have anything to say, tell your mother later. . Because my mother is very sick and very difficult to lose weight, she doesn't want to feel so uncomfortable anymore, she is going to the sky to become a star.

I dimmed the lights in the ward. I didn't want them to see my mother's sallow face because of high bilirubin. We didn't want to frighten the children, and neither did she. Just two days ago, she was struggling to hold on to the children's earwax. At that time, my daughter asked, Mom, why are your eyes yellow.

When the children saw their mother, they were calm beyond my expectation. I told them, you are called mother.

They barked. I told Muzi that the children are here. At that time, her blood pressure was already very low, and she didn't have much reaction.

The children touched their mother's hand, and the daughter asked: Why is my mother's hand so cold? I told her that my mother's blood circulation is not good.

I said to them, if you have anything to say, just tell your mother. The children were at a loss, and the son said, he didn't know what to say.

My son asked me: what is mom doing.

I said that my mother is tired, she hasn't slept much for a long time, she wants to sleep for a while.

The son asked again: Why does my mother sleep like this, I am a little scared.

At that time, my wife's breathing was already in its final state, intermittent, one after another.

I let the kids go, I don't want them to see the last of their mother. When they left, Muzi's blood pressure was gone. Another hour, heartbeat, breathing, gradually stopped.

My whole body is numb and sluggish, everything seems to be a dream.

She is so strong, she even sent me a WeChat message in the morning, and the last two words she said to me were: "Don't worry."

All the voices and smiles are still in my mind. Every time I ask her how she is, she almost always answers: "Very good."

She will always say these three words with a smile. Always smiling. Always so happy and full of hope.

The last time I was hospitalized, every time I went to see her, she always said to me: "Husband, I am very happy. I don't regret it."

Sometimes he would say: "Honey, I love you so much, don't worry, I will be fine."

But she still left. The triple-negative breast cancer metastasized to the liver, and liver failure eventually took her away.

For two years and ten months, I have always had a big rock in my heart, which has been ups and downs along with her illness. At this moment, the dust settled, the stone was gone, but my heart was also empty.

As soon as she left, it started to thunder outside and it started to rain. I really want to ask heaven, if these are the tears you shed for her, why did you insist on taking her away from me.

I really hate the words "deep love and long life". Why do we have to let her leave me if we have a good relationship? We are deeply in love, is it wrong?

Today marks our twelfth wedding anniversary and the nineteen and a half years we have been together. I originally planned to do it well next year on the twentieth anniversary, but now, she is gone.

In the past few days, her voice and smile have always been in my mind, and there are endless memories.

I still clearly remember the first time we met, she smiled sweetly, and she asked me: "Guess who is Koala." That was her screen name, it was March 6, 1999 No. We met on the Internet.

I have been in a trance for the past few days, because I think of her unconsciously almost every ten or twenty seconds. I often talk to her in the bedroom, and I tell her, if you come back, come and find me in your dream, I am waiting for you, I am not afraid. But she never came.

It has been two years and ten months since I got sick. For me, this may be the longest period of my life.

Every change, every recurrence, every progression, every improvement, relapse, and improvement. Despair again and again, hope again and again. She is so strong, she has never cried or made a fuss. She shed tears only when foreign doctors asked her what would happen to your child if you were treated abroad.

Until the end we did not give up hope. The doctors and my scientist friends were trying their best to treat her. We used experimental drugs and I prayed every day for a miracle to happen.

At that time, I was even thinking, if there is really a miracle and my Muzi is really cured, I will write another book for her, called "For Me, Please Create a Miracle" to correspond The first book I wrote for her, "For You, I Will Love the Whole World".

But she left anyway. But I still thank from the bottom of my heart to all the doctors and scientists who have treated and helped her during the past two years of her life. Thank you for keeping us hopeful and alleviating her pain as much as possible. Especially Professor Yang, he is a scientist, he has been helping us with ideas and giving us advice. He at least helped me prolong Muzi's life for a year. Dr. Chen did not give up making the world's most advanced anti-cancer vaccine for my wife when he knew that my wife was irreversible at the last moment. And Dr. Wu, Director Guan, Head Nurse Zhang and all the nurses who accompanied me to guard her at the last moment. thank you all.

In the end, my mother-in-law and I decided not to perform any traumatic rescue on Muzi when the condition was irreversible. Even if she is going, let her go as dignified as possible. Doctors ask us what we want them to do. I told them to try to make Muzi suffer as little as possible. If she really has to leave, I'd rather she walk faster, because in this way, her pain will be less. We can't make her suffer more torture just to let us living people watch her for a few more days. I can not let it go.

My Muzi is pure, kind, and beautiful. She used to have knee-length hair. She is my good wife and a good mother to my children.

She is stupid, sometimes stupid, she always told me that she was pregnant for three years and gave birth to two children, she should be stupid for six years. But it doesn't matter to me, the important thing is that I just like her. I just like to take care of her and help her handle all the things. I will arrange everything at home and outside.

The day before yesterday, her best friend told me that she told her best friend that she was very happy and she had no regrets.

Until the last day she left, she still told me that she wanted to eat delicious food. In the last WeChat message that morning, she also said that she had a dream last night that she was ready to be discharged from the hospital, and our family went out to eat.

A fortune-telling friend once said that she has three Tianzhu God of Cookery in her horoscope, and she has always been proud of it. But that friend also said that we will grow old together and live to be ninety years old together.

In the past three years, I have tried my best to do everything. All her treatment plans were made by me, and she never had any doubts. In a sense, she is indeed happy. When I comforted my mother-in-law, I also said that at least, when she was leaving, she had her parents, husband, and children by her side. Although her life is short, her optimism and cheerfulness give her life breadth.

Over the past two years, we have been to many places. As long as there is an interval of treatment, I will take her out to have fun. At that time, I thought in my heart, at least let her have fewer regrets. But she really left, but I found that I still have so many places I want to take her to, and there are still so many delicious things I want to take her to eat.

At noon on the day I left, she took my hand and said to me: "Husband, I want to eat fruit with you, and then I will have a good sleep. When I wake up, I will cooperate with the doctor for treatment. I will cooperate with whatever the doctor wants to treat."

Here are her last complete words to me. At that time, she almost didn't even have the strength to open her eyes.

I held her hand all the time, from warm to cold.

I try to make myself less painful, because I know that she will definitely not want to see me in grief. I also comforted myself, I really tried my best, but I still couldn't breathe because of the heartache.

On the third day after she left, I saw her off for the last time. I originally thought that I would give her the best while she was alive. Everyone left, and nothing was meaningful. Just want to have a simple farewell ceremony. But our relatives, many of her friends, and many of my friends came from all over the country to see her off together. thank you all.

All my friends like her very much, because I used to call her Piggy, and all the friends I met in the early years also called her that. I said a lot in the eulogy that day, but I only remember two sentences. "I can't bear her. I miss her so much."

I'm a sane person who only breaks down intermittently. I just think that day, when my friend came to accompany me and drank a glass of wine, maybe my tense heartstrings relaxed for a moment, and all the strength in my heart collapsed in an instant. I posted on Weibo: Take me away, I miss you so much.

For two years and ten months, this idea has appeared in my mind countless times. However, the tears of the mother, the tears of the mother-in-law, and the deep sorrow of the two fathers. The children looked ignorant and helpless. How can the pillars of my family let them go?

Someone reassured me that people would actually die three times. The first time, when she stopped breathing, her body died. The second time was when she was cremated, she died in society. And the third time was when the last person who remembered her died. At that time, she was really dead.

So, my Muzi is still alive and always in my heart. I also want to live well, in order to let her live longer.

I told her that day that I would take good care of my parents and our children.

I know, she is also very reluctant to part with me, I still have her long hair. Her blood runs in our children, too.

Today is our wedding anniversary, and today may also be the dividing line between the era of the former Tang family and the post-Tang family.

Besides you and your family, I have one more important thing. Today, I will give it to you as our wedding anniversary gift, and let it accompany you to the other shore to wait for me.

Fourteen years and seven months, the web serialization has been continuously updated. Today, it is broken for you. Sorry, my book friends, today, please let me belong to her alone, thank you everyone.

My son asked me: "My mother has become a star, but when there is no star, how do I see my mother?"

I told him, then look at the picture of my mother.

Two years and ten months, I learned to be strong and brave. My Muzi, don't worry, even though you are gone, your longbow will become stronger and stronger. I will protect everything we all want to protect.

My Muzi, may you be like a star in the sky, shining brightly, shining forever, and always peaceful.

I still remember that when I wrote a love letter to you back then, my signature was: The third young master of the Tang family of Yinhe Ximo. At that time, I just wanted to express that I was the person who cherished you the most in the whole galaxy. Later, I saw how naive I was when I was eighteen. But today, let me use this childish signature again.

I love you forever, as long as I am here, you will be here.

——The Three Young Masters of the Tang Family