Restricted Doomsday Syndrome Chapter 1025: Two ends of the balance
Maybe it’s my illusion. It’s been less than an hour since I transitioned from the doomsday illusion to this strange world, but I have a lot of memories about my life in this world and my cognition. These memories are like It is born with no sense of disobedience, even if it conflicts with my apocalyptic illusion memory. However, the authenticity and everyday feeling brought by these memories are beyond the reach of the apocalyptic illusion and the hospital reality. Even in the reality of the hospital, I have speculated for a long time, suspecting that it is some kind of ideological illusion relative to the doomsday illusion, rather than an absolute reality. I use the word "reality" to describe the information obtained in the hospital, just to distinguish it from the doomsday illusion-after all, there is a certain upper and lower relationship between the two, and this relationship is in my eyes , But it is not the only and reliable.
In my life, the most influential one is undoubtedly the doomsday illusion-I used to think so, but when I "return" to this world, it is enough to describe the feeling of "waking up". The strong feelings that even the reality of the hospital failed to bring me at the first time were enough to distinguish "doomsday fantasy" from "real life" in the senses.
I observe myself from the perspective of a third person. Naturally, I can retain the core of thinking that radiates outward with the "doomsday illusion" as the main body. However, only from the first-person experience, the "doomsday illusion" is relative to this world The authenticity of this is undoubtedly a "delusion" in general.
As soon as I "woke up", I subconsciously accepted the cognition of the world in my mind.
This is an honor student, when the scope of activities is limited to this city. The constructed worldview-in this world, there is no abnormality and mystery.
Because of this. There is no need for any power, instinct, or experience to fight anomalies and mysteries.
In this sense, what the doomsday illusion left me is just a pile of delusional residues.
The conflict between receptivity and logical memory, the contradiction between rationality and sensibility, makes it difficult for me to accept this fact. But, on the other hand, I must admit that in such a world. I don't need to shoulder the heavy responsibility of "to save someone", because no one needs to save, and the person I love, like me at this moment, must also lead an ordinary and daily life. Don't worry about the coming of the doomsday, and you are not infected by the "virus" as a patient with doomsday syndrome. And suffered all kinds of hardships as a result.
Although the world is not completely peaceful, it is much better than the era of doomsday fantasy. Especially in this country, people live a uniquely happy life in peacetime. Most of the wounds left by war years will heal in the next half century.
Because no one is unhappy, so. No need for heroes.
So, there is no need for the hero Gao Chuan, nor the mystery expert Gao Chuan. My existence, the top student named Gao Chuan, is just an outstanding student in the eyes of the school.
If this world is real. Well, my responsibility. Probably it is over, and there is no need to continue my adventure. Because all bad luck has not started, there is no need to deliberately search for things that exist in bad luck, including "Jiang". On the other hand, if the "Jiang" also exists here, then the "virus" must be so, and the advent of bad luck is a matter of time. This ordinary and peaceful daily life will eventually fall into hell.
So, I should not hope for the existence of "Jiang", I can't feel it anymore. I am a normal person, not a doomsday patient. There are no monsters in my body, and the world will develop normally. .
I don’t know, when I think like this, what kind of emotion I should have, whether I should smile or cry, there is no abnormality and mystery, the ordinary and everyday world, the ordinary me, maybe ordinary again Happy Sakuya and the others, is this what I want? I don't know, but I must admit that this result, compared with the cruelty of the doomsday fantasy and the hospital reality, is indeed too beautiful to know how much, and it is so sweet that it is dizzying.
But, why, my emotions can't calm down, my blood is still boiling, but there is a sense of loss that runs through my soul. I began to miss the things I shouldn’t miss. There was a voice roaring in my heart, asking me to search for "Jiang"-even though this is the real world, more real and ideal than the doomsday fantasy and the hospital reality. And the beautiful world, even if the doomsday illusion and the hospital reality, are all delusional things, even if the existence of "Jiang" means the existence of "virus", it also means that the world will be turbulent, it doesn't matter, also To find it.
Such a voice is so strong, like a demon struggling in a cage, roaring to break free.
I ignored it, just walked back with that ambivalence. I think, no matter what I want to do, it is necessary to confirm the existence of those who occupy a place in my life one by one. If this real world is just a realistic fantasy created by a repeater, then the people I care about will certainly not disappear; and if this is the only real world, the doomsday fantasy and the hospital reality are nothing but mine. Delusions, then, the people I care about must also have a prototype in this only real world, because delusions never arise without roots.
"Jiang" is very special to me, but if the world is real, Mae, Sakuya, Marceau, Hakjing, Seishi, and Dorothy do exist, but they don’t have any relationship with me. In the case of intersection, do I need to retrieve "Jiang"? "Jiang" is the special existence created by the "virus" that erodes my beloved ones. There is no "virus", no infection, no doomsday syndrome patients, and there is no basis for intersection between us. In other words, as Gao Chuan, can I find the "virus" and cause infection in order to interact with them and find everything I am familiar with?
The answer is no, although the emotions surging in my heart have been clamoring forever, bringing me back to that thrilling day. However, I think that is incorrect. It's not what I want. Walking on the way home, I remembered. The reason why I embarked on the road of heroism, despite the fact that I have failed, I still have the consciousness of moving forward in a bumpy way-everything I have given is to save the people I love, but it is not for this salvation process. What is needed is nothing more than the result of "letting them at least not have to suffer from the doomsday syndrome. The best case is to get them out of the conspiracy of the hospital. Return to their daily life". For this result, I paid a lot.
Since it is not for the process of salvation, but just a beautiful result, what is the difference from the world that I have seen in front of me? When the source of the disaster no longer exists and everything hasn't started yet, my consciousness. Haven't you already got the best result? Indeed, the turbulent life of the doomsday fantasy has changed me, shaped me, and allowed me to get things I had never thought of before, but. Compared with my desperate consciousness, the result I want to achieve is undoubtedly something that can be discarded.
Even if it is the precious friendship between people. Relationship, and even a seemingly brilliant life. Can give everything for whom. Even at the cost of death, it is a happy thing, and it is a thing to be proud of to move forward in despair for what you love. However, since these are all acceptable, why can't we accept the cost of "never started"?
When I remembered my own consciousness, the unwilling hustle and bustle in my heart gradually subsided. I no longer have deliberate thoughts about this world. It doesn't really matter whether this is real or a relay ideological trap. Just like the reality in the hospital, the things I need to do are different from those in the doomsday illusion. Whether I accept this world or not is actually not important. What is important is that I want to do something in this world.
What are you going to do? The answer actually existed from the very beginning, and, whether it was in the hospital reality or the doomsday illusion, whether it was true or false, it has not changed.
I want to confirm whether the lives of Mae, Sakiya, Hakjing, Marceau, Shise and Dorothy here are a happy result compared to the cruel environment of the doomsday fantasy and hospital reality. In contrast, my loss, the disappearance of "Jiang", the disappearance of quarks, and the absence of mystery and abnormality are just a price that must be realized and paid. In terms of cause and effect, there is no need at all. Redeem.
I walked back to the daily residential building and opened the door. The room was quiet, and it seemed a little gloomy during the time when the lights were on. I don't think there is anything abnormal. I used to turn on the lights. Because my parents are away on business, this home is a little empty. After washing my hands, I ran to the balcony and looked for the crow. However, I saw "it" in the bedroom connected to the balcony-it was a painting: the crow was under the big tree, pecking at the eyeballs of the dead body . Cool colors are used throughout the painting, deep and full of meaning. The painting is signed by the painter, Gao Chuan, is my name. Suddenly, I "remembered" that this is a story I heard from nowhere when I was a child, and the inspiration that inspired me prompted me to paint the first formal oil painting after participating in an oil painting interest class.
Actually, oil painting alone is not very good. It is just the first work officially painted by a novice who has just studied oil painting. However, only because of my sensibility, I feel that it seems to have something on it, and it has a meaning, in the eyes of other people, it is probably just a crude and not very sophisticated work.
I framed this painting, hung it in my bedroom, and faced it sooner or later, as if it had a profound meaning to me, but even I didn’t know what it was. significance. Perhaps it was just a perceptual touch. Everyone always has something that impresses himself deeply, but is nothing in the eyes of others.
The crow quark is probably such a thing.
Perhaps, the inner psychological symbolism, compared with the reality of the hospital, Dr. Ruan Li gave me less profiling. At least, in the reality of the hospital, the crow quark is also a painting, but it is a symbol of the psychological shadow that I have produced after I "eaten the real river." And in this ordinary and everyday world, the ordinary me naturally cannot do such extraordinary things, and there is no such cruel psychological shadow. The preference for cold tones and gloomy portraits may reflect a person's character and certain psychological factors, but it is not a big deal, and it cannot even prove that such a guy is a weird person. It's a mental illness.
If, in an ordinary world. It can also bring out the "extraordinary" side of me, maybe I will accept this setting happily. The premise is that Zhenjiang and the others have not fallen into the cruel cause of the doomsday illusion and the reality of the hospital.
I opened the drawer, took out the contents of my pocket, put it in, took another cigarette and lit it. After determining what kind of posture the crow quark was, my mood improved a bit, nothing unusual. It means peace. Maybe I don’t want a peaceful life, I want to spend my life magnificently, and use my life to chase the light of despair, but if the price is to put my loved one in pain and torment, of course It's not worth it-even if it is. The ones I love don't know me, and probably won't intersect with me again.
Regardless of this kind of life, this kind of world, this kind of result, is it true or a repeater trap. I have calmed down and accepted the fact that I am in it. This world is like this, no matter what I think, it is like this, if I want to destroy it. There is a price to pay, and that price. It may be something I cannot bear. Therefore, there are not many things I can do, perhaps, and unnecessary. Rude destruction of peace is not suitable for all the world, nor does it conform to my perception.
After I smoked a cigarette, as usual, after I cooked dinner and ate, I went to school to study in the evening.
"Are you feeling well?" Before the class bell rang, Bajing turned his head and asked, "Is it better?"
My seat was transferred, and Bajing, as the monitor, became my deskmate. I finally met her, a girl who was indistinguishable from what I remembered. I was very familiar with her, but although she was not unfamiliar with me, her friendship was not deep, she was just a classmate. Compared with the reality of the hospital, she is exactly the same as the one in the doomsday illusion. She has beautiful long hair, capable movements, and full of a pragmatic temperament. As a squad leader, she has always done Very good, well received by teachers and classmates, even if it is a thorn in the class, she will not block her instructions, because she will always do better than others in the details of receiving people and things.
The original tablemate seemed to pass his guess to Bajing, and Bajing asked me the same way he treats sick classmates.
"No problem, just a little tired." I can only answer that.
The eight scenic spots nodded, lowered their heads and continued to ponder the exercises. I withdrew my gaze and fell on the familiar exercise, but the pen in my hand was only tracing irregular lines on the draft. I want to ask if Bajing is happy, but how can I ask it so bluntly? However, from the perspective of Bajing's usual learning state, she is at least not life-threatening. Even if something goes wrong, it is roughly the same as ordinary people's emotional and growth problems. In this world, there is no enemy that she must risk her life to defeat. There is no weirdness and mystery to threaten her normal life. Although it does not mean that there is no natural and man-made disasters. However, in the vast proportion of the population, her future is similar to ordinary Compared with people, there will not be much difference. Grow normally, grow old normally, die normally, even if they encounter problems, they are also problems that all ordinary people will encounter.
Living in such an ordinary world and becoming an ordinary person, are the Eight Views satisfied? Will it be happy? I look at her like this and think she is happy. However, because she does not have the memory of the doomsday illusion, she can't compare with the current life, and whether she feels satisfied and happy, only she can make a conclusion. No matter how much I hope in my heart that she can live such a peaceful and peaceful life at this time, it is impossible to decide whether she is satisfied and happy because of this kind of thinking.
Although it’s hard to tell, will you be regarded as a weird person, or she will be regarded as a tendency to fall in love, thus dragging our relationship with each other to an awkward freezing point, or something I can’t do Expected changes. The Eight Views should be very familiar to me, but that was only her in the doomsday illusion. In the memory of this world, she and I did not have much intersection. Talking about happiness with such a girl who is familiar and unfamiliar with only ordinary relationships, I was a little hesitant in my heart, thinking about the way of opening, but before the bell of this self-study get out of class rang, I still confirmed what I was in. Thoughts, no matter if it deteriorates, you should ask those words out.
The teacher in the inspection hall will walk by the window and occasionally walk into the classroom. The whispers in the classroom will follow one after another. The sky outside is very bright, although it appears a faint turbidity due to air pollution. It is orange-red, but it makes me feel very peaceful, as if the sky should be like this. I couldn't help but think of the wandering heavy rain polluted by the nuclear explosion in the doomsday illusion a few hours ago, the cold black sky, flowing on the ground, and I couldn't help but think of the chaotic and uncertain gray fog in the temporary data hedge space. As if always out of sight and perception, there is a fatal danger hidden. Such a world, no matter how normal, will remind people of the weird and mysterious horror. It seems that the next moment, the rest that is hard to get will be interrupted. Such a life is like always being in the stormy sea, all the time. Someone who was familiar died.
In this extremely real world, people enjoy peace and tranquility. Although it is not without accidental risks, most people don’t worry about thinking that they will be inexplicably killed in the next moment. Catch, and never worry, the people you know will disappear in the next moment. People can end their natural lifespan peacefully and normally without worrying about the pain of torture. Even if there are accidents, they are only accidents encountered by a few people. The stormy waves in life are never endless.
This is really a happy life.
My heart is like being filtered by this not-so-clear but exceptionally peaceful night. All the worries and burdens are left in the depths of the night, leaving only a piece of peace. I opened the homework and solved the formulas in the thoughts that I had repeated countless times. And my soul, like this, was untangled layer by layer.
When the bell rang at the end of get out of class, I closed the workbook. I thought it would be unnatural to ask questions, just like flowing water, and naturally said to Bajing: "Bajing, I have one thing I want to ask you."
"Huh?" Bajing looked over.
"Do you think you are happy? Do you feel satisfied in such a peaceful life?" I said.
The Eight Views are a little surprised. I understand that this is not a topic that my classmates usually bring up. As far as I am concerned, I rarely think about whether I am happy or not. However, the question of whether I am satisfied with such a peaceful daily life is still Those with their own answers-I actually don’t catch a cold at all. I have a peaceful life. I have many dreams, one of which is to be a hero. When I was a child, I had all kinds of arrogance. To avoid being out of character between myself and the people around me, I will step on the daily footsteps ~ IndoMTL.com~ but it is just a habit. In my heart, the arrogant and naive thoughts have never faded. Therefore, when I first walked into the toilet talk, I would counterattack in fear, and I would gradually adapt to the strange and mysterious that followed. Before entering the reality of the hospital, although the shadow of the doomsday has been pressed in my heart, resisting it, countering it, destroying it, saving the world, and becoming a true hero are the ideas that support my adventure in the mysterious world. strength.
The reality of the hospital is like pouring cold water on me, but it still can’t quench my blood facing the stormy sea. Perhaps, compared to this calm and everyday world, I prefer the world full of crises.
I understand, but I already have something more caring about than what I like. Therefore, even if it is the life I like, I will not give everything in order to get it.
The girl in front of me, the strange and familiar eight sceneries, is the one I care about. I hope she is happy and satisfied. If this is the world where she can get these things, then I am willing to ignore the possibility of repeater traps. This is too real, so real that I can't hold the awareness that this is an ideological illusion to destroy it, unless I can find evidence to convince myself. (To be continued. If you like this work, you are welcome to come to the starting point () to vote recommended votes, monthly tickets, your support is my biggest motivation. Mobile users please go to read.)