Restricted Doomsday Syndrome Chapter 1030: Presence

I was lying on the bed on the second floor of the clinic. I didn't notice when I first turned in from the window of this room. Now, after careful observation, I immediately found a lot of clues—the furnishings, colors and layout of the room. They all have a strong atmosphere of hospital reality, and I didn't notice it at the time, probably because they were too familiar. The windows are also deliberately opened, but there are some suggestive decorations that show resistance, just like deliberately making people who enter and exit through this channel feel bored with their behavior. Dr. Ruan Li said that this is a room specially reserved for me, so all these things are specially prepared for me. Dr. Ruan Li may know that I will come in from here instead of walking through the main entrance, but when I appeared in front of her, her frightened expression was not disguised-even the most familiar person appeared from the most familiar place. , She will also be frightened by some detailed factors, such as "silent". Judging from Dr. Ruan Li's reaction, there is indeed nothing abnormal in her body.

If she is normal, it means that I am abnormal. I have long been accustomed to my abnormalities. However, in this incredibly real world, Dr. Ruan Li turned out to be my adoptive mother, but I was greatly surprised. If the world is real, then the relationship between me and Dr. Ruan Li’s adoptive mother and son is real. However, there is no relevant memory in my mind. Instead, I have the impression of my parents... I suddenly can’t remember. NS. I couldn't help but stand up from the bed and sit up, my hairs are standing up. The identity of an "orphan" is in the reality of the hospital, and in the doomsday illusion, I do have parents, and in the memory of this world, it is also Similar to the doomsday illusion, the memories of having parents have never been delved into, only subconsciously knowing that they are working abroad.

Just because of what Dr. Ruan Li said. I couldn’t help but get in touch with this memory, but, there is no—no detailed information about my parents. Everything about them is only the vague impression of "the parents are working abroad", which has never been the same in normal times. Go deeper and explore their youth, identity, work and looks.

I treat them. There are only vague impressions, but no specific memories. I can't even find any evidence of their existence. I don't even know where I came from. I grew up to recognize the memories of the outside world, completely blurred. but. When Dr. Ruan Li said she was my adoptive mother, I had no sense of disobedience at all. Although I felt shocked, it was only based on the perception of the doomsday fantasy and the reality of the hospital.

The more I delve into my own affairs, the more I discovered that in this world, there are too many missing pieces and subconscious ignorances in my memory. Looking back now, it is not clear what my past in this world was. It's just that I never thought about these things until Dr. Ruan Li reminded me. Perhaps, the doomsday illusion and the cognition in the reality of the hospital make me subconsciously regard these things as flaws in the "repeater trap".

There are too many details that I have overlooked. Forgotten by me, if it weren't for Dr. Ruan Li's reminder, I would probably not deliberately think of them, because of the existence of these details, the reality of the world and the sense of strict logic have been further enhanced. The only thing I can't completely believe that this is the real world is that there is only one thought left: these details. Is it really because I subconsciously ignored and forgotten it? Or, it only exists when I noticed it.

I feel a little creepy, there is no weirdness and mystery in this world, but. What happened to me gave birth to a sense of weirdness and mystery. This city is peaceful, people are ordinary and normal, there is no fierce fighting, and there are no large numbers of missing people. I originally thought it was very beautiful, but now I think it is like a disguised monster mouth. , Seduce the prey to fall into it.

Maybe I am too sensitive, because what Dr. Ruan Li said before made me reflect that this kind of creepy thought is indeed based on the perspective of the doomsday fantasy and the reality of the hospital to see the world. . Once you accept that this world is the only reality, and the doomsday illusion and hospital reality are nothing more than "delusions" based on your own perception of this world, such a setting really should not have such a strong sense of crisis.

Here, Dr. Ruan Li and I are not only the relationship between the foster mother and son, but also the relationship between the psychologist and the mental patient. Although I have the consciousness of "I am a mental patient," I have to acknowledge this point earnestly and treat this world as the only reality. There is indeed a kind of subconscious rejection. These conditions should all be filed with Dr. Ruan Li’s medical records. She has been observing and treating me for a long time. When this idea came about, I realized again that I had a lot of information about Dr. Ruan Li’s situation. Strong receptivity is taken for granted, so I have never thought about whether it is correct or incorrect.

This is a feeling of facing relatives facing each other day and night. Dr. Ruan Li’s presence is clearer, more impactful, and easier to accept than the vague impression of my parents in my mind.

I carefully pondered every clue that I might have overlooked, and put it together into a more specific outline. With such a move, the sense of reality in the world became stronger and stronger, and even for a while, I didn’t take it anymore. The doomsday illusion and the hospital reality confirm the connection between them on the side, as if they were completely forgotten, and suddenly remembered.

The deflection of the attention is like being pulled from both ends by two forces, so that I can be dragged out again before I completely immerse myself in a certain period.

My thinking began to be confused, and I could no longer think about the problem logically. The divergence of my thoughts quickly made me not even remember what I thought of myself, and a strong drowsiness filled my heart. I closed my eyes, and my consciousness slipped towards the darkness.

Before I fell asleep, the intense drowsiness made me feel that I would sleep soundly, but when I sank into the darkness, I could still vaguely feel the existence of myself, and then I felt The strong feeling of falling makes me feel as if the soul is about to be dragged out of the body by this pulling force. I am struggling. I vaguely know that I am struggling. However, there is no response from my body, as if my vague consciousness is struggling. The great fear seems to spread from the deepest depths of the dark abyss, like a tide, like Some kind of vine plant. It is like a sticky and greasy liquid, and it is like a huge tongue licking the whole body. It is full of malice and is reminiscent of death. These malice pierce the skin of the soul and take root in the inner core, like a curse. Want to be one with me.

The familiar malice, the familiar fear, in the vague state of consciousness, everything I feel is full of the taste of "Jiang" since I came to this world. This is the first time to feel its existence so clearly, as in the past. It plays with me as if it is declaring possession of me. I calmed down in fear, calm, but with the fear that penetrated my bones, and the coldness was full of warmth. A spiral of serenity and contradiction is intertwined with anxiety, which runs through my body and soul like genes.

Then, this confused self "see", under the dark abyss, I don’t know how many trillions of miles, as if even distance is no longer the other end of the clear concept, a blood-red eyeball emerges . It stares at me. I can't describe the emotion in this gaze, but I am still sure that it is by no means pure brutal and cold. Perhaps brutal and cold do occupies the overwhelming majority. However, the extra emotions, like stains, slowly spread from one corner.

"Jiang..." Vaguely, I can feel myself using all my strength. Say that name as if it was a name full of magic, and as soon as I said it, I was about to wake up from the nightmare. I could feel my consciousness becoming sober, and instead, this bottomless dark abyss began to blur. After so many experiences, I know that it has not disappeared, just returned to its original place.

When I can turn my thoughts freely, the first question arises: Why do I feel its existence so deeply in this situation?

This thought is like waking up a sleeping bell. I felt my body and turned over hard. Then there was a force pushing my body, and the sound seemed to be approaching quickly from a very distant place: "Achuan, Wake up and go home."

I opened my eyes vigorously, Dr. Ruan Li’s face was leaning right in front of me, and his breath gently rubbed my face. I had a nightmare again, but what happened in the nightmare this time, after waking up, did not fade away like a tide. The profound and contradictory impact imprinted it in my memory. However, even if it is a completely different experience from the nightmare of these days, it is not unfamiliar to the experience in the doomsday illusion. I know how to deal with this strong stimulus that remains in my body. Compared with the unclear nightmare of the past few days, this clear nightmare makes me more accustomed.

When Dr. Ruan Li saw me wake up, she was talking about the clinic today while packing up the information. She kept reminding me that this is the real world. However, the appearance of "Jiang" in the nightmare is like a rebound to this cognition. It was dusk outside the window, and the afterglow of the setting sun dragged long shadows, rendering the city landscape in the field of vision psychedelic, as if even the air was shiny orange-red.

An ordinary world, a peaceful city, and a normal country. Everyone is accustomed to passing through their daily lives. Watching pedestrians hurriedly or slowly passing by the streets, I really feel a kind of Rejection may be my own rejection of this world, or it may be the rejection of me from this world. Nevertheless, I still like this world because it is very normal and ordinary. People I know can find stimuli that they can bear in this ordinary life, instead of being persecuted by danger. Don’t engage in battles that don’t know if there is a future.

The "Jiang" who was stunned in the nightmare left a deep impression in my soul with its incomparable sense of existence, and this impression even dilutes my perception of whether this normal world is true Of hesitation. Dr. Ruan Li said that all this is just my delusion. However, "Jiang" used the horror deep into the bone marrow to make me have to admit that even if the doomsday illusion and the hospital reality are both delusions, it is definitely not a delusion.

"Jiang" exists. Even after coming to this world, it can only be felt in nightmares, and usually there is nowhere to find a trace, but that kind of utter contradictory fear is definitely not comparable to the horror of delusion. It declared its existence in such a powerful way, however, I cannot tell anyone in this world—because it’s useless even if I say it. Others cannot feel it, touch it, or observe it. Existence, any evidence that can prove its existence, to anyone except me. None exist.

I want me to doubt myself and take it as my own delusion, a thing that does not exist, which I absolutely cannot do now, and since I believe its existence, then, the truth of this world. Naturally it is open to discussion. I don’t know how this ordinary world will become when I feel the existence of "Jiang" so clearly, but my thinking is also very clear. I don't want to make this world happen because of the existence of "Jiang". Variety.

I hope. This ordinary and beautiful world, even if it is not the only reality, can exist as a possibility of "reality" like apocalyptic fantasy and hospital reality.

The doomsday illusion is always on the verge of doomsday destruction. The reality of the hospital seems solid and safe, but the small darkness is full of oppression. There is only this world. Ordinary and expansive, like a doomsday illusion and hospital reality, after removing those dangerous and depressing factors, they overlapped. Its sense of reality can even serve as the reality relative to the "doomsday fantasy" and the "hospital reality". Dr. Ruan Li, Bajing, and Sakuya, if they are not fakes that the repeater uses my consciousness to illusion, they are the real ones, or part of the real ones. A kind of projection or something, that's really great-I hope so, but I don't have too much hope for it. "Jiang" declared his own existence, breaking too many possibilities I envisioned.

I haven't found Mae and the others, but the appearance of "Jiang" has caused a lot of things. Many of the details I observed have become meaningless. Although, these details prove the correctness of Dr. Ruan Li one by one. However, for me, the largest, strongest, and primary reference is "Jiang", not the details of this world.

In my heart, the waves provoked by Dr. Ruan Li's words have begun to calm down. Dr. Ruan Li put the information in the suitcase and put the white coat on his arm, just like my family, talking about household affairs, compared to what she saw in reality in the hospital, she is undoubtedly now More vivid, more beautiful, and more normal, exuding a touch of warmth. Her eyebrows are actually quite stern, but the character displayed is much gentler than her in reality in the hospital. Maybe it's because, in this world, her identity is my adoptive mother.

Even "Jiang" reminds me that only it is real, but I also accept the setting of this world. My parents are already dead, and I am an orphan adopted by Dr. Ruan Li, Hezhen Jiang and the others did not have an inevitable and profound connection, they just lived and grew up in an ordinary way. If there is any problem, it is probably that in the eyes of Dr. Ruan Li, I suffer from a very serious mental illness. I am prone to amnesia, easily immersed in delusions, and often confuse delusions with reality. Without her adjustment and treatment, I am afraid that he would be sent to a mental hospital and detained at some point.

Yes, I accept this kind of setting, I am here, this is such a Gaochuan, this kind of life. Other than that, there is no weirdness and mystery. I can accept this kind of world and this kind of self in the same way that I accept the doomsday illusion and the hospital reality. And when I was willing to accept all of this, I felt that there were fewer contradictions in my thinking, and it became refreshed.

When you can’t feel the existence of "Jiang", this realistic world has a deep gap with the doomsday fantasy and hospital reality. However, when "Jiang" appears, it uses itself as a bridge. Connecting the three worlds with each other becomes an equal existence. I no longer need to think about which one is the real problem. Because only "Jiang" is the reference point and reference object for determining its own reality, because only things that are unchanged and have a strong sense of presence can be used as reference objects, coordinates, reference points, etc. to distinguish other objects. Core.

The world that I have experienced, compared with "Jiang", has changed too much. Every time, it seems to be real, but in the end it is impossible to determine whether it is real.

In the calm of getting the results, I took Dr. Ruan Li’s suitcase, casually answered topics about campus life, followed her out of the clinic and got into the passenger seat of the car. The strong and true breath of ordinary life makes me reluctant to part with this world. I am acting as Gao Chuan who has escaped from delusion and returned to real life and belongs to this world. Dr. Ruan Li has a relieved expression. I don’t hate this kind of acting, because I want to leave it to this world, all who love me, With the people I love, a calm and hopeful self. I gave up thinking about whether they are true or not, because I think becoming a fool may be the best way to face the world.

For Dr. Ruan Li in this world, an adopted child who has temporarily gotten rid of mental symptoms and returned to normal is worthy of her joy. She stopped halfway, bought a lot of cooked vegetables, and a bottle of fragrant cakes, as if to celebrate something, she never mentioned my delusion, as if she had forgotten it, but I know that she is just used to it. Not completely relieved. In the future, she will still observe and treat me, trying to keep me away from the "delusions" of the doomsday fantasy and hospital reality, and truly return to a normal life state.

I did not resist, because this is the only thing I can do for Dr. Ruan Li in this world-to make her adopted child healthy and normal, at least, to the extent that she thinks it is healthy and normal.

In my room, I successively found evidence to prove what Dr. Ruan Li said, that is, "I am a psychiatric patient who confuses delusions with reality." The impression of my parents in this world is indeed made up by me, and the reason is actually written in the computer diary by the "I" in the "awake" state, and even put it in the easiest place to see, so that the "sick" "I" can be seen at the first time, but every time I will be ignored by the "ill self", of course, every time I am reminded by Dr. Ruan Li, I will return to normal within a certain period of time, and then write my own experience again In this electronic diary-the first record of "sickness" was three years ago, and the number of records was 231 times. Now, I can write down my current situation again, which is two hundred. Thirty times.

I didn't think about whether these evidences "existed" after I "realized it should exist." Because I have accepted my own setting in this world, everything that can be experienced and observed can be regarded as fact. Moreover, I have already decided the time when I will "sick" again. However, before that, I will accompany Dr. Ruan Li in a "normal" state for a period of time. Because, I don’t know if I will have a chance to return to this world after I "sick" again, or even, I can’t judge whether this world will continue to exist.

Stay in this world and face every moment of this ordinary and peaceful life seems precious to me. It is ideal, but I have to leave, not only because of the repulsion between me and it, but also because the existence of "Jiang" is too strong~IndoMTL.com~ I occasionally feel that it will Bring a bad influence to the world-that is, the erosion of "Jiang".

I hope that until I leave, and even after I leave, the world can remain as it is today, but this also means that although I like it here, I can’t stay here for too long.

I greedily breathe the air of this world, at the top of the building at night, overlooking the vast night scene of the city. I wrote down my story about the "doomsday fantasy and the delusion of hospital reality" and gave it to Dr. Ruan Li as her research data and as a proof of my existence here.

"Do you know? Only delusional stories can diverge, twist, turn suddenly, and be unthinkable." Dr. Ruan Li commented: "Achuan, you like to write stories. You must know that you can turn an inspirational idea into When the first draft was written, it was so rough and even full of contradictions. It may become gold, but it needs further refinement to become smooth. And your experience in delusion is as rough as the first draft. , And real life is much more refined. I think you should be hypnotized once, and when you fall into delusion again, once you encounter some weird and illogical things, you will subconsciously understand that this is just a delusion, and it is terrible. The world." (To be continued. If you like this work, you are welcome to come to the starting point () to vote for recommendations, monthly tickets, your support is my biggest motivation. Mobile users, please go to read.)