Restricted Doomsday Syndrome Chapter 1068: The rush of strong words

In the gray fog that is not visible to the naked eye, I walked alone in the direction of the old toilet. I smoked the cigarette, immersed in the memories and sensibility of being evoked by the cigarette. Many pictures and some sounds flashed in my mind. They were not clear and appeared vaguely. In a blink of an eye, they dissipated like smoke, leaving only the old. Old familiarity. I didn't deliberately catch them, because, very peculiar, I don't feel anxious because of their seemingly incomplete forms. I calmly caught my heartbeat and breathed the heavy and humid air. I don’t know if it’s because of being close to the old toilet. A smell of ammonia gradually oozes out of the air, just like a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned for a long time. Not sure, I really smelled it, because what emerged in my heart was not the old toilet in this world, but the old toilet in the illusion of the last days.

I don't know if I am still indulging in the memories of the past, and have such an immediate sense of sight—sound, humidity, smell, seeming to capture hallucinations—all sinking and floating around me.

I walk on this road, but I can see new scenery mixed with old scenery.

"Have you not come out yet? Are you really planning to come out?" I felt the unwavering zone in the ripples of the chain judgment. Obviously I want to do something to pull myself out of this atmosphere, but suddenly I feel that there is really nothing to do. What should happen will happen when it should happen. This world has such a law, everything is meaningful, but because this meaning is too complicated and deep, it makes people feel incapable of capturing and thinking. Give up to capture.

I think I have grown up a lot, and I can maintain a certain amount of calm when faced with things that many people are frightened of. But I am not born indifferent, and I also feel tired. Even if I get a hearty victory in the battle and prove my strength, I can't stop this kind of mental fatigue-it is like a mirror that is easily stained with dust. You always need to wipe frequently by yourself. However, even the act of "wiping" itself can make people feel monotonous and tired.

Walking in the hazy and monotonous landscape after being soaked in gray fog. I suddenly came up with the idea of ​​"As long as the abnormality does not attack, just ignore it. Stay outside the old toilet, just spend the whole night, and announce that everything has been resolved during the day." It was full of courage before. He defeated the dead soldiers and taught the outsiders, however. When this negative thought suddenly jumped into my mind, there was no way to stop it. I smoked a cigarette, walked in the gray mist, what I saw and felt, could trigger such negative thoughts, I understand this very well, it's just. Sometimes, even if you understand it, you can't adjust it, let alone adjust it, even if you want to prevent yourself from having such thoughts, and to destroy the factors that evoke such thoughts, it is difficult to do it.

Human beings are really difficult to do. You cannot control your thoughts with absolute freedom, and therefore, you cannot control your behavior with absolute freedom. Impulses in thinking, emotion, and action are often visible. Even so, it is still necessary to eliminate the negative factors brought about by impulses as much as possible.

"Yeah, it's tiring to be alive. So, it would be nice to take a short break." Such a voice. Suddenly jumped into my mind.

The word "jump in" is not mistaken. It does not "float up" from the depths of thinking, but "jumps in" from outside of self-thinking. Because I am accustomed to a state of self-thinking and having a special existence like "Jiang" as a reference, so when "voice" and "thought" appear whether it is my own thought or an abnormality implanted from the outside, it is often Can distinguish more clearly than others. There are more than one type of "auditory hallucinations". Whether in the mysterious doomsday illusion or the seemingly normal hospital reality, "auditory hallucinations" and "hallucinations" are the first things I get used to.

Because it is too familiar and too clear, when this voice and my emotional thinking are active, the subtle difference immediately caught my attention.

"No matter how much I do, there is no end in sight. After all, is there really an end?" The voice floated slowly in my mind, like my own voice.

I stopped and listened quietly.

"Humans are self-contradictory creatures. They are always doing self-contradictory things. Even if you use psychological means to conduct self-dissection, all you can see is contradiction."

"It should be better for human beings to live in a muddle-headed manner. If you don’t distinguish things too clearly, you won’t hurt or be hurt by others. In the final analysis, spiritual harm is a fact that’s hard to admit. 'Right. But as long as you don't think deeply, you won't really know whether a certain fact is difficult to admit by yourself, so you can do it even if you get confused in the past."

I heard this, let go, and continued to walk in the direction of the old toilet. However, although the ripples of the chain judgment still convey the feeling of "as always", when you look at the road with the naked eye and walk with your feet, you should be on the shortened path, but it is beyond the feeling of long. Yes, the anomaly has begun. This time, it's not a physical and direct killing machine like a dead soldier, but a spiritual mystery...? Knowing this, my heart will calm down again.

The "voice" continued to reverberate in my heart, and I felt even more tired with the ** and negative words, and my limbs seemed to be heavily shackles—has the pace slowed down? I started to calculate the distance and frequency of my steps, and then I confirmed it again. Although it felt like I was sluggish because of fatigue, in fact, the speed at which I was moving did not change. However, the comparison of path and speed is difficult to achieve because of auditory hallucinations and hallucinations.

The road has become longer, the body and spirit are heavy, and the walking is getting slower and slower. These are all obvious and direct "feelings." For a person like me who has a strong and sensitive sensibility, this time the abnormality is really a good way to get to the point. I am not afraid of auditory hallucinations and hallucinations, or even sexual torture, but I definitely don't like it. Compared with the fight to the flesh, it is undoubtedly repulsive from the bottom of my heart.

On the spiritual level, especially the mystery of erosion based on local conditions and individual conditions. For all human beings, it is an unbearable test, even if the target is a mysterious profession, no matter how strong a person, after experiencing too many adventures and life and death. Even if it seems to be able to break through the doubts of life, it can't completely eliminate one's own shake-because knowing and doing are different.

Among all mystery experts, I am confident that I am the one who has the best resistance to spiritual mystery and can be distinguished in the first place. Which ones are hallucinations, which ones are not, which ones are dangerous, which ones are not too dangerous, how to make adjustments in a temporary environment, etc. These are all kinds of beneficial abilities. I have it all. Even so, I am still a perceptual, sensitive and emotional type. Even if I think with a rational attitude, I cannot deny that I am of this type.

When mental erosion strikes, people like me who think too much and feel full of emotions often need to withstand a stronger impact than others. No matter how many similar situations have been experienced in the past. When the situation recurs again, it is impossible to completely offset it with experience. After all, if you do not care at all, there is only a choice of "numbness". If it is not easy to understand, use an analogy: when the impact comes. , And when you can't avoid it, you need to withstand the relative force if you want to defeat this kind of shock and adapt to this kind of shock. The more precise the grasp of oneself. The feeling of this impact will be stronger. It has nothing to do with whether you are “hard” enough. It is impossible that you will not feel the impact because of “hardness”. It can only be said that the impact cannot bring too much to yourself who is too hard. s damage.

So. When a mental assault strikes, whether it will withstand the impact has nothing to do with whether the victim is firm in his will. There is no way to offset the mental wear and tear except for insensitivity. However, to be numb, the prerequisite is to "recognize what is revealed by mental erosion". Only by acknowledging it will it be indifferent. As long as there is a denial, even if you only expect something different, it will not be true. "numbness".

Yes, the mystery from the spiritual level, if it is a direct hit, it is easy to deal with. The most annoying thing is that it is eroded by the local conditions and the personal conditions. Because I can wake myself up, but I can't be insensitive. I get bored, irritated, and resisted when something that doesn't suit me, and I don't think it's wrong. Even if I get hurt, I don't think I should cater to such things. Therefore, the power of the spiritual level is effective for me at any time. It's just a difference in the effect.

Now, what the voice said is like my emotional explosion, and the negative emotions that sprout from the bottom of my heart are just "like" to me.

If I could shut it up, I would have done so long ago, but the problem is that the source of this mysterious power is often more difficult to detect than the actual anomaly, even if it is detected, it is difficult to deal with. Because its existence is often "conceptualized", that is, there is no real contact method. Most of the time, you can only resist the past through your own will until it disappears on its own. In occultism, this type of mystery is also the most complicated, weird, troublesome, and inexplicable solution.

"Even though I have worked so hard, I am all covered in bruises, but can I really succeed?" The voice continued in my mind: "Through the thorns and endure the torture, what do you have in the front? Really? Is it what I think? The scenery on this road, although there are beautiful things, but it is really worth to endure the pain, and continue to endure the pain, to look forward to its return? I think that only after suffering can we get the beauty It’s totally masochistic. It’s ridiculous, it’s ridiculous. Although there are important people who have to be saved, in the final analysis, is that really that important person? Whether it is important or not depends on your own If memory, thoughts, and the environment at the time all change, the importance will also change. Think about it carefully, are those who seem important really important? Is it really impossible to find something that can be replaced in the future? Yes Is it necessary to endure the pain all the way to find a result that is still indistinguishable? Even if you do so stubbornly, can you really get the ending of your dreams?"

Yes, these thoughts are what I have had before. Although this voice was "not mine," it said the gloom and negativity in my heart, and it really was the spiritual erosion of adapting to local conditions and adapting to individual conditions - it was really annoying. What I hate the most is to be seen through this shameful, embarrassing, but consciously unworthy thought. I don't want to admit that I have such an idea, but I have to admit it. There are too many unsatisfactory things in the world. Everyone is the same. I have known this for a long time, but it still feels extremely uncomfortable to be mentioned by "something other than myself".

I hate mental erosion.

However. Even if it shouts to shut up and yells hysterically-"What do you know", "People who really want to live are struggling like this"-similarly, it can't stop. On the contrary, it will appear too much for Secondary Two, and it will become a memory of "feeling ashamed in retrospect".

So. Keep silent.

"Give up, quit, anyway, no matter how you live, that is, decades of life, how about living a little easier? Why do I have to bear such a harsh fate? If I fight a terminal illness, It’s impossible anyway. Otherwise, it won’t be a terminal illness."

"I don’t want to die, I want to live easily. I want to be with the people I love. They love me, so they will definitely suffer because of my pain. Relax yourself. It’s very important to them too."

"Heroes or something, isn't it ridiculous? Because the world is contradictory. There is no justice at all, and some are just people who sacrifice for their own ideas."

"Everything in front of you is false, even if you defeat all the enemies in this place? Will you still become a patient without the strength of a chicken after you return? Like an otaku playing a game, it is impossible to In reality, it is as invincible as in a game. Staying in this world, there are limits to being strong."

"Go back, if you move forward, your brain will start to swell again, your body will creak, and you will fall apart. It’s enough to stay strong here. No one expects you to do more, no, it should be. I don’t want you to do more, because. Your persistence now has become the distress of those who you want to pay for. They have abandoned you, and everything they have done runs counter to you."

"I'm dead, why am I still standing here? Is the current me the real me? Where is my self-righteous reality? The one I love is like a phantom, even though Death, will stand in front of me again..."

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Repeatedly, endlessly, these sounds are like dandelions, flying in my mind, even if I don’t want to listen, they will get into my ears and detonate all kinds of thoughts and emotions. It acts as The language itself does not have the sweetness of honey, but there is a force of smearing it, making the pale words and sentences sticky, even if they hate it, they can’t get rid of it. As if clamoring: "Come to refute me, hurry up to refute me, deny me, anger and struggle from the bottom of my heart, but no matter how you struggle, this is your true thoughts. You are such a weak and weak, and Anyone who doesn’t make any difference to an ordinary person."

My emotions are indeed rolling, together with my thoughts, as if placed on a frying pan. Every time a sound sounds, its content is deeply imprinted in my heart. I can tell that it is not my own thought, but, The thought aroused by it overlaps with what it expresses, so in this sense, what it says is indeed what I think. I am very painful. No matter what I do, I cannot see the final reality, nor can I simulate the final result through time and experience. The ending of Dzogchen is like a golden apple that only exists in a dream. It appears with the dream of a hero. It can only be seen vaguely, but cannot be determined or touched-it is like a bait. , Leaving me bruised and bruised, I still need to stand up and fight.

Yes, I have thought about it, and I still have such thoughts buried in my heart-my efforts, I die and come back to life, what I do for them is really necessary Is it? For them, do they also have their own ideas and deny my approach? After all, I've been fighting all the time, hasn't I been doing nothing all the time? If you fail to save anyone, you can't even save yourself, even if you stick to it, you can win, but how long do you have to stick to? What is your own path, your persistence, your own thoughts, your own dedication, in the eyes of others? Even if you do your best in the doomsday illusion and get recognition, the ones who exist in the doomsday illusion are probably not the most real them.

For those who have lost their body, shattered their personality. They exist in my heart like ghosts, even in such a world composed of consciousness, they can exist as if they are in substance, but they are accompanied by the end of the world. They will die eventually. Then everything will reincarnate again. Whether it is interpersonal relationships, emotions, or cognition, everything must be restructured.

Yes, I did not forget them. I can't forget them, I insist on carrying their destiny and future, but when they start all over again, does what I do really makes sense to them? Or maybe. Is it just meaningful to yourself?

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These negative thoughts that I don't want to think about, but because of the existence of the voice, and the thought of constantly paying, make me feel that my soul is about to be torn apart. However, because of their existence, I am more convinced. I am not the only one with these thoughts. What drives my actions is a kind of thought that is more in line with my own aesthetics and allows me to feel the power of my heart. Because my footsteps have not stopped, haven't they?

I threw away the cigarette, took out the second one, lit it, and inhaled deeply. I feel my footsteps faltering, this road is endless, but. When I look back and see that I am a little farther away from the last observation point, I feel like "Ah, I'm really moving forward." That is a scene that makes me feel excited from the bottom of my heart.

Yes. I deeply understand that precisely because of the erosion of this negative spirit, I still have not stopped, nor have any behavior of giving up. Then, there must be something contrary to the conclusion of these negative thoughts, which is driving this. Body and soul. Haven't all the education I received, the realm I dream of, and the aesthetics I approved have been reflected in this incessant pace? Things that are contrary to these negative things will only produce one result, that is:

"Hero!" I said to myself: "I am a person who dreams of becoming a hero. It is not a hero that other people recognize, but a hero that belongs to me. I am based on my life, aesthetics and ideas , The recognized hero. I, want to be that kind of hero, I want to be that kind of myself!"

"It's ridiculous. No one needs such a hero. It will only become an annoyance for others. After all, the hero you become is really the hero they expect?"

"Maybe it will." I thought, "But, is there any evidence that no one expects the hero I dream of? My life is too short to understand too much truth, but I know One point: I decide who I want to pay for, who I fight for, who I am a hero for, for whom pain and grief are not forced. Even if circumstances dictate, those who accept the responsibility and mission and make the decision to accept this are still It’s my own thoughts-regretting for my own decision, isn’t it terrible? Isn’t it a proof that I am a real idiot? My own decision, no matter what the result will be, must be borne by myself , This is the idea that fits my aesthetics. Even if someone, no, even myself, countless examples to prove the error of this aesthetic, it is useless, because it is my decision to follow this aesthetic. The idea in my heart In this decision, whether it is negative or positive, I have already decided the outcome and coordinated the promotion together, and my action was born."

"Isn’t this deceiving yourself? No one likes such a guy, because he will only act according to his own ideas, but will not consider others. The so-called'for whom do things for whom' is the essence, It’s just'for yourself to do these things'."

"Isn’t it stupid to stop struggling with this kind of thing for others or for myself?" I smoked, feeling the power emerging in my body, and the words of those “voices” became more and more intense. As I became paler, I said to myself: "Whether it is for myself or for others, deciding what to do, in the end it has to be put into action before it can be realized. In the final analysis, my idea is just to promote When I move forward, I can also be beneficial to others... This simple way of thinking is nothing more. My progress will not only be harmful to others, nor will it only be beneficial to others, but the same, when I hurt someone , I can definitely save someone. I hope that what I save is the person I love. This is narrow enough, but I don’t know if I really do it. However, if it hurts They, then there is no other voice to speak! I protect them, but they are not chicks, we are relatives, if I do something wrong, they will definitely stop me. Then, if I really do something wrong , Then let them come, let them tell me in person that I did something wrong. Otherwise, I will follow this path that they once expected!"

Because, they didn't call to stop, they didn't say "Don't do this," did they? I decided to save them. At first it was because they wanted to be saved. From the very beginning, what I carried was not just my dream. Our wishes have overlapped from the very first moment, so that "Gaochuan" was born.

If "Takakawa" should stop and its existence and behavior are meaningless, then it must be everyone’s will that decides this kind of thing-I, Hakjing, Sakiya, Marceau, Seishi, Dorothy still has Jiang.

"It's really weak, you're just a mouthful of something like you." I said to "Voice", "Is there any more exciting words? Come against me, come knock me down, let My weak will makes my soul fragile, and it makes me understand that my own training is far from enough. Come on, let me see my shortcomings, see my cowardice, and then I will step through all of this, Stand at the end. As for whether it is a golden apple or a rotten apple that appears at the end, I think you will definitely not be able to see something like you."

Things that can only speak, but cannot move forward, are the most meaningless.

So--

Shut up for me.

Give me silence.

It is enough to watch my story quietly on the sidelines.

I pushed up my body hard, those voices were still digging into my mind, but what it brought out was no longer the empty and chaotic gray, but the surging red. I feel that my blood is rushing, and the strong jump of my heart is a steady rhythm, and power emerges from every cell.

I struggled, struggling, struggling with my arms and legs, to listen to the "fragile cracking" sound that sounded in my heart. I can see that with every step I take, there are some transparent fragments peeling from my body, hands and feet. These fragments are like snowflakes in the gray mist, illusory objects that only exist in the blink of an eye.

Are your hands, feet, and body going to split? It was very painful, mentally and physically, there was an inexplicable pain, a huge force dragging me, watching the fragmented illusion, there was a fear that I was about to die.

But so what?

Death~IndoMTL.com~ is not the first time.

But as long as I'm alive, I will move forward! No matter what is in front of me, if you don't move forward, you will never know what it will be!

Go, silent, go, silently. No matter how heavy the step is, since I can stand, I can step forward and let me listen to that overwhelming voice.

I smoked hard and strode hard.

Then, in the next step, I heard a loud crackling sound.

My body suddenly lightened, it seemed that something heavy was peeling off, turning into illusory dust, and flying backwards. I didn't look back, whether it was my hands or feet, or some part of my body.

Because I can still move forward, so the peeled, must not be such an important thing, there is no need to look back at all.

The voice disappeared from my mind. I forcefully ran towards my goal. (To be continued. If you like this work, you are welcome to come to the starting point () to vote recommended votes, monthly tickets, your support is my biggest motivation. Mobile users please go to read.)